Fear and Good

At the beginning of October, I found myself gripped by fear. As I struggled with it and wrestled through it, I found that many other women I know share the same struggle in the common forms of fear, anxiety, and worry. God has been exceedingly gracious to me and has been delivering me from the oppression of fear. I wanted to share with others via this blog what God has revealed to me on the subject in the hopes that God will use it in His work to set other captives free. Know that fear may well continue to be a life long battle, but hopefully we will all start to see more and more victory against it and against the father of lies.

In better words than my own, my hope for you is this:
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication" (Ephesians 6:10-18, emphasis added).


What God's Word has to say about who/what NOT to fear:
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evil doers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident" (Psalm 27:1-3).

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell" (Matthew 10:28).

"Now who is here to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled" (1 Peter 3:13-14).

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love" (1 John 4:18).


What God's Word has to say about Who/What to fear:
"It is the Lord your God you shall fear. Him you shall serve and by his name you shall swear. You shall not go after other gods, the gods of the peoples who are around you - for the Lord your God in your midst is a jealous God - lest the anger of the Lord your God be kindled against you, and he destroy you from off the face of the earth" (Deuteronomy 6:13-15).

"And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the Lord, which I am commanding you today for your good" (Deuteronomy 10:12-13)?

"Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the river and in Egypt, and serve the lord" (Joshua 24:14).

"Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling" (Psalm 2:11).

"...Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man" (Ecclesiastes 12:13).

My conclusions based on these and many other verses:

• These are just a few of the verses I found on the subject, but what surprised me was how many verses there are about Who/What to fear than there are about who/what not to fear. This helped point out a mistake I've been making in combating fear. I so often think about the thing I'm afraid of and pick it apart to tell myself why I shouldn't be afraid of this thing. But all this I do in relation to the thing itself. What I should be thinking upon to combat the fear is Who I should fear. I should focus more on the eternal instead of trying to break down the circumstantial and temporal.
• God gives amazing reasons and promises why we should not fear the things we should not fear: He will not leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6); He is with us, is our God, will strengthen us, will help us, and will uphold us (Isaiah 41:10); He gave us a spirit of power, love, and self control (2 Timothy 1:7); if we suffer for righteousness' sake, we will be blessed (1 Peter 3:13-14); Christ will be honored in our bodies by life or death (Philippians 1:20); the Lord our God is with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9).
• God gives us reasons why we should fear/hold in awe/revere Him: He is a jealous God and has the power to destroy us off the face of the earth (Deuteronomy 6:13-15) <- This should stir in us a good fear, not a bad fear - that it is His good pleasure to reconcile us to Himself though we sin; His commandments are for our good (Deuteronomy 10:12-13); "The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether" (Psalm 19:9); "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever" (Psalm 111:10)! "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction" (Proverbs 1:7); "The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm" (Proverbs 19:23) <- This does not mean we won't suffer, it just means that we will see how God turns evil to good and can trust that He works for the good of those who love Him.

Based on these conclusions, here's how God has recently led me to combat fear:

• I ask myself if there's any action/response to the situation that needs to be done. If there is an action that has to be decided upon, I commit to bringing it before the Lord and leaving it as His feet in exchange for a lighter burden as promised in Matthew 11:29-30, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." If there is no action that has to be decided upon, then I let myself know my worrying does not do any good to spend energy on and that my energy should be redirected. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:34).
• I ask myself that even if I could change anything, do I know what is good? God sees the whole picture; He knows what is good. As a kid, I thought candy was totally good, but my parents knew that after a certain point or time it ceased to be good. They could see a bigger picture than I could, and though it seemed cruel or unfair to me sometimes, I trust that they were acting for my good. How much more does a perfect Father work toward our good?! So what do I know for sure IS good? Let's ask the Lord. How would He answer? Well He has answered! "And he said to him, 'Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments" (Matthew 19:17).
• I remind myself of all the times of trials, suffering, and uncertainty where the Lord proved Himself faithful both to those historically in the Bible and to me personally.
  
• So if worrying does me no good and I already know What/Who is good, what do I do with my energy and resources now? How do I go about focusing on things above instead of myself and circumstances? That's when I remind myself of the commands in Deuteronomy 10:12-13, Joshua 24:14, and Ecclesiastes 12:13 above. Through them, the Lord directs my steps. It takes enough work and energy and resources to submit to God in those verses that there should be no room left for fear. And more than that even, time spent in this eternal manner tends to stir up genuine love. And perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18)!
• Whatever feelings of anxiety, worry, or fear that remain, I confess them and ask God to fight them. I recognize that in the end, only He can turn my heart. So I wait on the Lord. "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27:14).
• Finally, I memorize either exact or generally some of these verses above so I can use them for battle.

This is what God has been teaching me of late. May my journey encourage you in yours!

Additional Resources:
http://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionaries/bakers-evangelical-dictionary/fear.html

Stirrings

Over the past couple of weeks, the Lord has been stirring up something big in my heart. I'm sure it's been in the works for a long time, but I am only now able to see it. I have so much to post and so little time. I have such a hunger for the things of God. I so desperately long to know Him intimately and deeply - to abide in Him and His will (John 15:4). I long to understand Him - to know Him as my Husband (Hosea 2:16), my Father (James 1:17), my Savior (Isaiah 43:11), my Friend (Psalm 25:14) to the deepest degree. I want to know His commands and to walk in them (2 John 1:6). And all of this is such a precious gift. It's only by the grace of God that I have faith (Ephesians 2:8). I am so simple in mind and so sinful in heart, and yet He chose me before the foundations of the world (Ephesians 1:3-10). I am moved.

Recently, I have been loving on my precious goddaughter, wrestling with my selfish desire for a child of my own womb for no greater kingdom purpose than my delight, and reading about/getting my heart stirred for the orphans of this world with whom I have common bond. God has been opening my eyes to the richness of how He loves me as His own child - adopted into His family (Ephesians 1:5-6). I long for His holy desires to consume me - for Him to go before me and lead me into the wilderness where I shall know Him (Hosea 2 <- My fave passage of the Bible). I so long for His desires to become my desires. Jesus, make me like you (1 John 3:2 <- look this one up - it's AWESOME)!

Other than loving and being loved by my husband, I don't know that there's anything that stirs my heart for the Lord more than His Word/promises/hope combined into beautiful music. This song in particular resonates in my heart. So I leave you with it in hopes that God frees you a little more through it to joyfully surrender to His might and care (John 8:36):


Own Me - Ginny Owens

Got a stack of books,
So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Chorus:
Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed

Chorus

Tribulation

I'm feeling weighty and sad at the brokenness of the world today - The anniversary of 9/11, my and others' babies who never got a chance to live outside of the womb, a baby boy from our church in excruciating pain whose parents have been told he probably won't make it out of the hospital this time and must make hard decisions while their baby tells them he wants to keep fighting for his life, a family member's pregnant friend whose cancer is spreading who desperately hopes to grow her child to a healthy point so it can live though she will die...

God it hurts. Come quickly, Lord.


2 Corinthians 7-18
⁷But we have this treasure in^T)">(T) jars of clay,^U)">(U) to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. ⁸We are^V)">(V) afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; ⁹persecuted, but^W)">(W) not forsaken;^X)">(X) struck down, but not destroyed; ¹⁰^Y)">(Y) always carrying in the body the death of Jesus,^Z)">(Z) so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. ¹¹For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. ¹²So^AA)">(AA) death is at work in us, but life in you.

¹³Since we have^AB)">(AB) the same spirit of faith according to what has been written,^AC)">(AC) "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, ¹⁴knowing that^AD)">(AD) he who raised the Lord Jesus^AE)">(AE) will raise us also with Jesus and^AF)">(AF) bring us with you into his presence. ¹⁵For^AG)">(AG) it is all for your sake, so that as^AH)">(AH) grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving,^AI)">(AI) to the glory of God.

¹⁶So we do not lose heart.^AJ)">(AJ) Though our outer self^c]">[c] is wasting away,^AK)">(AK) our inner self^AL)">(AL) is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For^AM)">(AM) this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, ¹⁸^AN)">(AN) as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Of Cody and Kasey and Pikachu

My wife likes this poem that I posted in my RSVP to Cody and Kasey's wedding. I thought I would post it here for all to "enjoy." <=== My wife made me say that.

So, without further ado:

Orange and red and purple too
Cody and Kasey and Pikachu
Hot dogs, small dogs, and red dogs blue
Music, choose it, or sing on cue
Random poetics with kangaroo
Party hardy until dawn’s first dew
Happy wedding with corde en bleu!

Prophecy

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream so real that I actually woke up full of leftover emotions. I was so confused as to what was dream and what was reality that I had to ask Robbie a billion questions first thing in the morning to figure it out. It makes me laugh now that it seemed so real considering Joey Tribiani from Friends was in my dream. You know your husband has been watching too much Friends when...

Anyway, the dream was that I just found out I was going to have to have surgery. I was really confused, because I couldn't understand what exactly was wrong with me and no one seemed able to give me a satisfactory answer. All I could gather was that first thing the next morning they were just going to cut my chest open and either perform surgery on my heart or lungs, depending on what they saw when they opened me up. My dream was mostly me trying to understand what was happening, me talking with a friend (Joey, haha) and Robbie about it, and all the emotions that came with the news. I felt extremely anxious and scared - terrified really!

Upon waking up and Robbie reassuring me it was just a dream and that I wasn't really slated to go into surgery this morning, I calmed down and started getting ready for the day. As I showered, I started thinking about how crazy a dream it was and wondered for a second if it were just a dream or if it had some meaning/significance. So I started to think about what it could mean if it were to mean something, and an answer/question came to me immediately. What if it was God explaining to me that He is exposing my heart and what I really depend on for life (symbolized by my lungs/air) and that He's about to do some work there, that I may not be able to understand what's happening, and that it will be scary and difficult? So it struck me as interesting that meaning could be pulled from the dream so quickly. Was this prophecy, or was it just a dream?

I have always struggled with whether things are from God or if I make things up that just sound good to me in my head. When B had her pregnancy scare, I remember laying prostrate on the floor in tears begging God for K's life. At that point we didn't know that K would be a girl, but as I prayed, I kept saying, "she," and "her." But I didn't trust in that. When B was going to share the video to tell us boy or girl she said we'd see it. So I thought logically that it was a boy even though my heart cried girl. So often when I'm not sure whether or not something is prophecy, I choose logic over faith.

Other times, I have tried to encourage friends and gotten everything all wrong. I guess I didn't really understand where they were coming from and thought I did or stuff like that. Then when reading Scripture or praying, I felt God lay something on my heart to share with them - even if it seemed out of place or made no sense to me. And the times that I have actually stepped out in faith and shared those things, it's been fruitful in ways I certainly didn't see coming. God used it to speak something that was applicable and meaningful to the recipient. And even if I didn't see fruit, there have been times where I've still felt like there was unseen purpose in it.

I don't think I really have much of the gift of prophecy, but I'm starting to think that God definitely gives me prophetic moments. Since I pretty much stink at discerning whether or not they really are, I have come to believe through much prayer and thought over a long period of time that I should trust in them and act in faith unless I get some leading not to trust those moments. I think I should step forward in cautious faith and test as I go instead of just doubting and dismissing those moments. How many times have I heard from God and ignored Him, completely missing out on the joy and fellowship of faith and obedience?

So I guess then, if my dream is prophecy, this will continue to be quite an interesting season of my life - difficult, humbling, and deeply painful. But I have the hope that it will be fruitful - that it will teach me purity in my affections for God and dependence on my Surgeon/Healer for life as He breaks me then restores me to health. True, I am walking through the most difficult season of my life right now. But I have never loved Him more. And so I say, "Praise God!" and "Bring on the surgery!"

God IS good!

Tonight I went out to dinner with the Hopeful Hearts ministry from church. Actually, only one of the leaders was able to come, so it was just the two of us. I just recently lost my second baby and have come to accept that this could be just the beginning of a very long road. She is currently pregnant with a baby girl after giving birth to two healthy boys, losing one perfectly formed boy who was born with his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, and miscarrying eight other babies.

I hope and pray that that is not my lot, but I will gladly accept it if it grows my relationship with the Lord the way it has with her. Wow! There is a woman who knows God's truths, because it was all she had to cling to. There is a woman who has a rich and compassionate heart for God's children and those she hopes will be God's children. There is a woman who can tell you without any hesitation that God is good ALWAYS.

We both know deep grief. But I'll tell you what! Tonight we did not dwell on grief. We could not stop talking about the goodness of God - His grace, mercy, provision, compassion, splendor! It was really a celebration of His character, His promises, His most precious gift of His Son, and who He is! I left dinner with my heart overflowing in praises to God. He IS good - today, tomorrow, and always! No circumstance will ever change that!

A Song on My Heart of Late...

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty

1. Praise to the Lord,
The Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him,
For He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear,
Now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

2. Praise to the Lord,
Who over all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings,
Yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen
How all your longings have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

3. Praise to the Lord,
Who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness
And mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew
What the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

4. Praise to the Lord,
O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath,
Come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen
Sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him.

Words:	Joachim Neander
Music:	17th Century German Tune

Forgetting That You Are Famous - repost from Stuff Christians Like

A copy and paste from the blog Stuff Christians Like:

#537. Forgetting that you are famous.
The only time I've ever been recognized was not as weird as I thought it would be. I guess in my head I envisioned my family and I would be walking in the mall and some stranger would exclaim, “Jon Acuff? The Jon Acuff? Wow, it is you!” Then I would blush and maybe shield my kids behind me with my arm because this person’s adoration would be so intense. They’d say, “Oh, please, say something that is both sarcastic and insightful at the same time. You’re so wise and adequately heighted.” I’d correct them on the use of the word “heighted” which is actually not a word, and then I’d say two or three off-the-cuff sentences that would change their life and then maybe sign their arm or a Bible if it were available. Seems like a pretty reasonable expectation, right?

It didn’t happen like that. A guy just walked up to me at church and introduced himself. We talked for a few minutes about Stuff Christians Like. The whole thing was over before I knew it and was pretty uneventful. Which is probably exactly how God wanted it.

I tend to get ego drunk pretty quickly. When people compliment me, outwardly I do the Christian courtesy of immediately rejecting the kind words. Inwardly though, I’m often drinking in their kindness and doing a little “look how awesome I am” dance. I’m patting myself on the back with both arms and both legs at the same time, which is difficult but not impossible since I’ve taken yoga twice. (Which may or may not be “of the devil”–jury’s still out on that one.)

Knowing that about myself, knowing I’m prone to massive “me parades,” I am constantly wrestling with God over the unexpected growth of Stuff Christians Like. There’s a circle of famous Christians right now: big pastors, authors who have written amazing books, speakers who stalk conference stages like cougars. And I wanted to be inside it. I wanted to become a famous Christian.

One night while jogging, I confessed that to God. As ugly and as shallow as this sounds, I said to Him, “God, I want my story to give me fame. I want fame. I want to be famous.”

In a split second, I felt like God laughed. Not at me, but with me, which is something I feel like He regularly does. In my heart, I heard:

"Ha! You want fame? The creator of the universe knows your name. The Alpha and Omega knows who you are and what you care about. That’s as famous as you’re ever going to be. Whose acknowledgment of you is going to stand up next to mine?

"At that point, I started laughing too, because He was right. I’m already famous. God knew me in the womb. He knows how many hairs are on my head. He’s my absolutely biggest fan and I’m famous in His eyes. So are you. He’s got a blog about you that is simply astounding. He follows you on Twitter and started a fan group dedicated to you on Facebook. He can’t stop talking about you and pouring out love on you.

Is whatever you’re doing right now in life going to make you famous? Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But ultimately it doesn’t matter. As Christians, we’ve already peaked. We can stop worrying about trying to become famous Christians. That’s done.

Almost Everything But the Kitchen Sink

Robbie and I worked on painting the kitchen from 10am yesterday morning until 3:30am this morning in order to get everything read for the cabinet installation. We had the music on random, blaring all day. We heard everything from classical music to screamers to rap to Veggie Tales songs. He rolled the walls, and I edged with the paintbrush.

This house has been a lot of work, but the process has truly been a blessing. It's surprisingly not often that a husband and a wife take on a big project together as a team. It's different than just living together, because different work styles kick in. We've really had a lot of fun growing together as a team.

As I watched my husband, in paint overalls, wail on the air guitar, I realized we couldn't have kicked things off more appropriately than at our first dance as husband and wife... We get to spend a life time Making Memories of Us.

Next step: counter tops

Our team effort yesterday was a success! Our cabinets are being installed as I type. When we eventually find our mini USB to connect the camera to the computer, we'll post pictures.

An Honest Update

I am not the best at updating this blog, so I figured I'd post some updated facts and then a status update in case I left any of you few readers hanging.

Updated facts:

• December 20th: Robbie and I went to look at houses.
• December 22nd: We put an offer on a house we liked, and it got accepted.
• December 23rd: We discovered I was pregnant.
• January 12th: We were told my pregnancy was a possible miscarriage and that we'd have to wait two weeks (of horrible emotional torture) to find out for sure.
• January 16th: Robbie and I closed on our first house and became official homeowners.
• January 26th: We found out I was indeed miscarrying our first child.
• March 7th: We will officially move into the new house.
  

It was quite an exciting end to one year and a difficult start to another. If you didn't already know that information, that may help you make sense of my previous few posts.

Quick and General Status Update:

• I am still processing lots of stuff. Processing has already been very fruitful spiritually, but there's so much more to be done. I will post the things I am learning in a separate blog post later.
  
• I am starting to feel like myself again (as of about a week ago). I am currently thankful for where I am right now. If God chooses to grant Robbie and I kids in the future, we will never have this exact stage of our lives again. I don't want to waste it! I'm thankful for the extra time alone with the hubby and for the extra time to use flexibly without it being mandated by a small person.
• I do still hope, beg, and pray that one day God will bless me with the ability to bear children. But God in His mercy has granted me a general state of patience and peace right now which I can promise you could only come from Him.
• I still have some rough and discouraging days, but the quantity of those is growing smaller.

That's the quick update. Thank you to all those who have been praying for me and ministering to me. I never needed it more.

Wrestling Over Comfort

Well, the flood gates opened Sunday evening and did not have any success at shutting again or even reducing flow until Monday morning. It felt good to feel, but as I also was so fortunate as to have received the flu from my generous co-workers, I also grew really weary that night of hurting both emotionally and physically. I am feeling much better all around today.

So, the reason why I am posting is because Robbie and I had some good dialogue the other night, and I was wondering what others' thoughts are. He essentially proposed that it doesn't always pan out like Natalie Grant's song Held - that just because I didn't feel "held" doesn't necessarily mean that I did something wrong to prevent me from being held. I thought that I didn't feel held before because I hadn't been able to cry and feel deeply for a couple of days so I must not be letting myself be held. But when I did cry and feel very deeply this past weekend, I still didn't feel held. I've felt like I have not struggled in faith (praise God for that) or doubted for one second that God's giving and taking away is for His glory and ultimately my good. But I wondered if there was something wrong with me for having that faith but still not feeling comforted/held by God.

Robbie believes that sometimes we don't really get held in that sense anyway. He read to me several Psalms and part of Job where people were talking about how they received no comfort from the Lord even though they sought it heartily. They still trusted Him, but they received no relief from their situation (which I asked to receive but did not expect or want to receive it should it not be the best for His glory) and no comfort (which I did expect to receive).

Here is one of the Psalms we read:

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

- Psalm 77: a Psalm of Asaph


Robbie also pointed out that when Paul asked the Lord that the thorn be taken from him, the Lord just responded that His grace is sufficient. I don't know that Paul felt any comfort in that (don't know that I would have), but the Lord's grace was indeed sufficient to sustain Him in continuing the work to which He was called. I kept thinking of David and how he often pleaded for God's presence which meant there were times when He was unable to feel it even when seeking it. So then, could God withhold the Comforter and the detection of His presence and maybe what we do have, which is our faith/His grace (a gift), is sufficient enough to keep us walking, though wounded and without comfort?

This may reshape how I minister to others in the future and how I pray for others. I always assumed if comfort was sought for someone, it would be had. I never considered that perhaps God could withhold comfort for a time and His grace would be sufficient and not inclusive of a feeling of comfort.

Struggling to be Held

HELD sung by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held[Repeat Chorus]
This is what it means to be held



I've been held by the Savior before (see two posts down: Standing on the Edge), and it was a sweet time in my life that changed the course of it forever. But this time, I find myself running or refusing to be held. Religious culture so pushes one to "just trust." This is so engrained in me that I think the reason why I am mostly numb and short on tears right now is because I feel like I should "just trust" and be okay because "God's got this". So I've been steeling myself and trying to force myself to okay, because people who trust are always okay, right? Plus, it makes other people feel better if you look/act like you're okay. So shouldn't we push ourselves to be okay as soon as possible?

But I know Scripturally that is inaccurate. Jesus wept for Lazarus. The Bible speaks of mourning but mourning as one with hope. So it is not wrong to mourn. Right now, this song is about the only thing that can elicit tears out of me. And if I'm being honest, it's because I can deeply associate with lyrics like: appalling, why, unfair, torn. And just maybe sometimes, I feel like I don't really want to survive. There's not just a feeling of loss, but there are also feelings of betrayal and shame. I know that those are attacks and that suffering brings us fellowship with Christ. I also know this could have been God's protection that this happened. But can a child of God know truth and still feel these things at the same time? I don't want to be numb anymore - I'm afraid my heart will harden and that I will lose all concept of what it is to feel and hope... But I'm also afraid of losing myself to what I feel, falling into ungodly despair, and growing a root of bitterness. So as much as I long for it, I can't seem to just let myself be held.

...wrestling.


Note: For anyone interested, I heard one of Natalie's fan's wrote this song and asked Natalie to sing it. The lady wrote the song about her friends. One friend's husband was diagnosed with some terminal illness and only had 2 months to live, and the other friend had an 8 month old son (her only son) who died in his sleep.