Well, the flood gates opened Sunday evening and did not have any success at shutting again or even reducing flow until Monday morning. It felt good to feel, but as I also was so
fortunate as to have received the flu from my generous co-workers, I also grew really weary that night of hurting both emotionally and physically. I am feeling much better all around today.
So, the reason why I am posting is because Robbie and I had some good dialogue the other night, and I was wondering what others' thoughts are. He essentially proposed that it doesn't always pan out like Natalie Grant's song Held - that just because I didn't
feel "held" doesn't necessarily mean that I did something wrong to prevent me from being held. I thought that I didn't feel held before because I hadn't been able to cry and feel deeply for a couple of days so I must not be letting myself be held. But when I did cry and feel very deeply this past weekend, I still didn't feel held. I've felt like I have not struggled in faith (praise God for that) or doubted for one second that God's giving and taking away is for His glory and ultimately my good. But I wondered if there was something wrong with me for having that faith but still not
feeling comforted/held by God.
Robbie believes that sometimes we don't really get held in
that sense anyway. He read to me several Psalms and part of Job where people were talking about how they received no comfort from the Lord even though they sought it heartily. They still trusted Him, but they received no relief from their situation (which I asked to receive but did not expect or want to receive it should it not be the best for His glory) and no comfort (which I did expect to receive).
Here is one of the Psalms we read:
1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
- Psalm 77: a Psalm of Asaph
Robbie also pointed out that when Paul asked the Lord that the thorn be taken from him, the Lord just responded that His grace is sufficient. I don't know that Paul felt any
comfort in that (don't know that I would have), but the Lord's grace was indeed sufficient to sustain Him in continuing the work to which He was called. I kept thinking of David and how he often pleaded for God's presence which meant there were times when He was unable to feel it even when seeking it. So then, could God withhold the Comforter and the detection of His presence and maybe what we do have, which is our faith/His grace (a gift), is sufficient enough to keep us walking, though wounded and without comfort?
This may reshape how I minister to others in the future and how I pray for others. I always assumed if comfort was sought for someone, it would be had. I never considered that perhaps God could withhold comfort for a time and His grace would be sufficient and not inclusive of a feeling of comfort.
