Struggling to be Held

HELD sung by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held[Repeat Chorus]
This is what it means to be held



I've been held by the Savior before (see two posts down: Standing on the Edge), and it was a sweet time in my life that changed the course of it forever. But this time, I find myself running or refusing to be held. Religious culture so pushes one to "just trust." This is so engrained in me that I think the reason why I am mostly numb and short on tears right now is because I feel like I should "just trust" and be okay because "God's got this". So I've been steeling myself and trying to force myself to okay, because people who trust are always okay, right? Plus, it makes other people feel better if you look/act like you're okay. So shouldn't we push ourselves to be okay as soon as possible?

But I know Scripturally that is inaccurate. Jesus wept for Lazarus. The Bible speaks of mourning but mourning as one with hope. So it is not wrong to mourn. Right now, this song is about the only thing that can elicit tears out of me. And if I'm being honest, it's because I can deeply associate with lyrics like: appalling, why, unfair, torn. And just maybe sometimes, I feel like I don't really want to survive. There's not just a feeling of loss, but there are also feelings of betrayal and shame. I know that those are attacks and that suffering brings us fellowship with Christ. I also know this could have been God's protection that this happened. But can a child of God know truth and still feel these things at the same time? I don't want to be numb anymore - I'm afraid my heart will harden and that I will lose all concept of what it is to feel and hope... But I'm also afraid of losing myself to what I feel, falling into ungodly despair, and growing a root of bitterness. So as much as I long for it, I can't seem to just let myself be held.

...wrestling.


Note: For anyone interested, I heard one of Natalie's fan's wrote this song and asked Natalie to sing it. The lady wrote the song about her friends. One friend's husband was diagnosed with some terminal illness and only had 2 months to live, and the other friend had an 8 month old son (her only son) who died in his sleep.