A couple of nights ago, I had a dream so real that I actually woke up full of leftover emotions. I was so confused as to what was dream and what was reality that I had to ask Robbie a billion questions first thing in the morning to figure it out. It makes me laugh now that it seemed so real considering Joey Tribiani from Friends was in my dream. You know your husband has been watching too much Friends when...
Anyway, the dream was that I just found out I was going to have to have surgery. I was really confused, because I couldn't understand what exactly was wrong with me and no one seemed able to give me a satisfactory answer. All I could gather was that first thing the next morning they were just going to cut my chest open and either perform surgery on my heart or lungs, depending on what they saw when they opened me up. My dream was mostly me trying to understand what was happening, me talking with a friend (Joey, haha) and Robbie about it, and all the emotions that came with the news. I felt extremely anxious and scared - terrified really!
Upon waking up and Robbie reassuring me it was just a dream and that I wasn't really slated to go into surgery this morning, I calmed down and started getting ready for the day. As I showered, I started thinking about how crazy a dream it was and wondered for a second if it were just a dream or if it had some meaning/significance. So I started to think about what it could mean if it were to mean something, and an answer/question came to me immediately. What if it was God explaining to me that He is exposing my heart and what I really depend on for life (symbolized by my lungs/air) and that He's about to do some work there, that I may not be able to understand what's happening, and that it will be scary and difficult? So it struck me as interesting that meaning could be pulled from the dream so quickly. Was this prophecy, or was it just a dream?
I have always struggled with whether things are from God or if I make things up that just sound good to me in my head. When B had her pregnancy scare, I remember laying prostrate on the floor in tears begging God for K's life. At that point we didn't know that K would be a girl, but as I prayed, I kept saying, "she," and "her." But I didn't trust in that. When B was going to share the video to tell us boy or girl she said we'd see it. So I thought logically that it was a boy even though my heart cried girl. So often when I'm not sure whether or not something is prophecy, I choose logic over faith.
Other times, I have tried to encourage friends and gotten everything all wrong. I guess I didn't really understand where they were coming from and thought I did or stuff like that. Then when reading Scripture or praying, I felt God lay something on my heart to share with them - even if it seemed out of place or made no sense to me. And the times that I have actually stepped out in faith and shared those things, it's been fruitful in ways I certainly didn't see coming. God used it to speak something that was applicable and meaningful to the recipient. And even if I didn't see fruit, there have been times where I've still felt like there was unseen purpose in it.
I don't think I really have much of the gift of prophecy, but I'm starting to think that God definitely gives me prophetic moments. Since I pretty much stink at discerning whether or not they really are, I have come to believe through much prayer and thought over a long period of time that I should trust in them and act in faith unless I get some leading not to trust those moments. I think I should step forward in cautious faith and test as I go instead of just doubting and dismissing those moments. How many times have I heard from God and ignored Him, completely missing out on the joy and fellowship of faith and obedience?
So I guess then, if my dream is prophecy, this will continue to be quite an interesting season of my life - difficult, humbling, and deeply painful. But I have the hope that it will be fruitful - that it will teach me purity in my affections for God and dependence on my Surgeon/Healer for life as He breaks me then restores me to health. True, I am walking through the most difficult season of my life right now. But I have never loved Him more. And so I say, "Praise God!" and "Bring on the surgery!"
