roBUT & loLER

The End of My Blog as We Know It

2010-10-09T10:45:00.002-05:00

Howdy faithful (maybe 3) readers, haha! After much prayer and thought, I have decided to end my blogging for this season. While my hope for it was to provide a means for family and friends to keep up with our family's happenings, to encourage and edify the body of Christ, and to declare the gospel to those who have not yet been transformed by its power, I feel that I can better work toward those ends outside the realm of a blog at this time. Thanks for reading with me and sharing in my life in this way. I may be back in a later season, especially if I start up a small WAHM (work at home mom) craft company as I am praying about doing. But for now, it's the end of my blog as we know it. :)

Grace and peace, dear blog world friends,

Loler

Blessin's and Lessons of Baby K

2010-08-07T17:22:00.007-05:00

Well, it has been over two months since my last post. Since I have been gone from blog world, I have been blessed to give birth to a sweet baby girl. I don't know that my blogging (or lack there of) can get much less frequent, but if it does, you now know why. :)

So far, the transition has been HARD. Everyone tells you that it's a joy, but it's hard. But you don't really know what that means until you get there. There has been much pain, ample frustration, many tears shed, and much sleep lost - all in all, great sanctification. This period of life truly has been one of the most difficult ones I have faced thus far, but I am so grateful. Oh how we prayed for this baby girl! I am already re-learning how I can't and shouldn't control everything, how much I am truly dependent upon the Lord for every little thing, and how precious I, as one of His children, am in His sight.

Before little K was born, one of my sweet sisters-in-Christ Erica introduced me to the work of Noel Giger, an artist who has been gifted and inspired by God to redeem into art what others cast off. What an amazing concept, and what an opportunity to share the gospel! I bought a sweet hymnal plaque from Noel for K's nursery.

Then Erica surprise gifted me with one of the necklaces (a redeemed domino) that Noel donated to her auction/garage sale fundraiser that she held for her year-long mission/teaching trip to Czech. You can follow Erica in her adventures here.

As I prepared my heart to take important pieces, including times of trials and suffering and all the sanctification that came with those, with me into becoming a mom, I asked Noel to create a custom necklace representative of this occasion. I gave her general preferences but left the design up to Noel's creativity and heart, as we both have fellowship in learning the hard way that God truly is good through all circumstances (See her blog - link above - for her story). You can't see the whole necklace (especially as it is designed on both the front and back), but here is a picture of it around my neck with little K's hand reaching up and grasping it. :) Makes my heart happy.

This beautiful custom piece was created out of a hymn written by Charles Wesley (music attributed to Dmitri Bortniansky). I am posting the hymn below both because it is a good artistic expression that speaks my heart better than I can in my own words and because I hope it encourages you:

Thou Hidden Source of Calm Repose

Thou hidden source of calm repose,
thou all-sufficient love divine,
my help and refuge from my foes,
secure I am if thou art mine;
and lo! from sin and grief and shame
I hide me, Jesus, in thy name.

Thy mighty name salvation is,
and keeps my happy soul above,
comfort it brings, and power and peace,
and joy and everlasting love;
to me with thy dear name are given
pardon and holiness and heaven.

Jesus, my all in all thou art,
my rest in toil, my ease in pain,
the healing of my broken heart,
in war my peace, in loss my gain,
my smile beneath the tyrant's frown,
in shame my glory and my crown.

In want my plentiful supply,
in weakness my almighty power,
in bonds my perfect liberty,
my light in Satan's darkest hour,
in grief my joy unspeakable,
my life in death, my heaven in hell.

Picture Update

2010-06-01T11:20:00.007-05:00

Since pictures were requested, here is what I have been up to:

These are the curtains I made for the guest room that resulted in MUCH sanctification. :) With the changed perspective I shared a post or so ago, my dislike for sewing is slowly decreasing.

I sewed a bulletin board cover that had about three redesigns thanks to my inability to cut straight. I wanted to bring some of the red (not really red, but I've never been good with color names) curtain color to the other side of the room. I must thank my darling husband a thousand times for doing the sewing math for me - one's brain gets pretty fried after so many redesigns.

I finished the door curtains for our fake French doors, and my wonderful hubby graciously took the time to hang them so evenly even though he's got an uber busy week! Here are before and after pictures.

I finally started crocheting baby girl's baby blanket (this is my second attempt to start - the first started with an incorrect chain count. Boo).

Nothing increases one's affections for sewing like fun fabric! Hooray! These are my recent fabric purchases for burp cloths and cloth diaper wipes. I have started the measuring and cutting and will try to post instructions and pictures for anyone who is interested in making their own later.

Relationship Health

2010-05-30T12:02:00.006-05:00

This week, I have really found myself thinking about the way I live my life and what that shows about the state of my heart. Last Sunday's sermon at church was AWESOME! You can find it in .mp3 format here. I always love being reminded of the beauty of the gospel of grace. There was one question in the sermon that really caused some soul searching and conviction. I can't remember the exact wording, but it translated to me as:

Do you spend as much or more time pursuing and seeking the Lord as you do pursuing and seeking things in His creation?

When this question was posed, the answer, "No," immediately came out of my heart. We can seek God out in His creation - an example would be my most recent post about finding and worshipping the Lord in sewing - so pursuing Him isn't just what has become the cliche "quiet time". But how often are we really that intentional about seeking Him in all things? How often is our goal to meet with Him instead of learning about Him being an after thought as we pursue our own passions. I wish I always had an eternal mindset consumed with desire for the Lord and His presence, but the truth is that I often don't.

Recently in home group, we studied the topic of marriage and how it is a reflection/a shadow of the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). I've been talking a lot with some of the women in home group about what it really looks like to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22) and how to respect our husbands well (Ephesians 5:33). We've been talking about what healthy marriages look like, what unhealthy marriages look like, things that really hurt marital relationships, and things that make marital relationships grow in the beauty and joy that they were meant to be. This of course has made me think on my own marriage a lot.

One of the biggest things I have learned about myself in marriage is that quality time and intentionality speak volumes to me. I enjoy verbal encouragement and nice words, but they mean nothing to me if actions don't seem to back them up. But oh man! If Robbie is thinking of me and responding to love he has toward me in being intentional about spending quality time with me or doing things that he may or may not like doing, how rich is the mutual joy and affection that results? What beautiful depths of love do we experience? How much more are we one?

Now, if I am the bride of Christ, what type of marriage/relationship do we have if I always put Him off, fail to make Him a priority, only spend leftover time with Him instead of using my time intentionally to respond to Him and His pursuit of me? Thinking on this relationally really takes the legalism out of Christian living for me. It's not about checking my check boxes. Think about all the richness and depth I'm missing out on! What if I'm too busy doing things supposedly for Him and His benefit that I actually end up ignoring His pursuit of my heart and affections? Then I'm actually depriving myself of love, peace, and joy that is offered.

Oh how I've fallen short before my heavenly husband and brought destruction to our marriage! But the good news is that He's offered grace through a covenant pledge (shedding His blood on the cross to reconcile me to Himself) - regardless of my failure (Romans 5:8). He's still pursuing me, still wooing me. How will I respond? How will you respond? How's the health of your marriage with Christ? Do you put as much or more effort into your heavenly marriage as your earthly one? If you do not have an earthly spouse, do you put as much or more effort into your heavenly eternal relationship as your earthly temporal relationships?

Starting to Sew; Starting to Grow

2010-05-14T09:45:00.004-05:00

It's been fairly recent since I've seriously ventured into the world of sewing. I decided to start with a few home accessories first - pillows, various curtain styles. I've always wanted to know how to sew and have always had high hopes that I would really enjoy it. So far... WRONG! I am not enjoying it at all!!! But I'm going to keep pushing through the beginning stages hoping that as I become more comfortable doing it, it'll be begin to grow on me. I went to bed sooo frustrated and flustered last night, but when I woke up this morning God changed my heart and attitude about it by revealing Himself to me in sewing. I believe this is a great opportunity for growth. Here's what He's revealed to me so far:

I don't like it, because I lack patience. I like to see things grow - like to see immediate results. Sewing has very little construction time; most of it is spent measuring, cutting, squaring, pressing, pinning - none of which have very encouraging visual results of progress. This is an opportunity for me to stretch my patience and learn that things are coming together and pushing forward in progress even when I am unable to see it.

When I go to the fabric store, I deliberate forever!!! I want to know what type of material is best suited for the job, then I think about what it needs to look like to maintain unity with the rest of the house or whatever project, then I look for what is appealing to my eye, and (of course being the frugal person I am) I finally consider cost. God created us each with great care - He constructed us with a bigger picture in mind and with a purpose to serve and fit within that bigger picture. He made us to be beautiful and appealing to Him - a reflection of His own image. BUT God is not frugal. He did not consider cost. He paid His son out on the cross to bring us all together in beauty for His glory. Wow!

In sewing, one must pay attention to the little details - edges must be straight, corners must be squared, measurements must be accurate. God straightens and squares us as pieces of His masterpiece for our good, the good of the whole piece, and most importantly for His glory. Sometimes we must have our wrinkles ironed out. Sometimes we must be pressed with heat to straighten our edges. Sometimes we need our poorly done and crooked stitches ripped out so that they may be lovingly straightened by the eyes and hands of God. Sometimes we also need to be pressed with heat to heal the holes left behind from torn out stitches that we're trying to keep.

I'm sure there's so much more of Christ in sewing than I can even see. But for now, I am praying that my heart and attitude toward the task will change and that I will rejoice in every little step as laboring in love over these pieces helps me see God's labor of love in me. I'm hoping to grow in patience and humility - here's to growing while I sew!

Where do you see God? I'd love to hear about it!

Strawberry Goodness

2010-04-08T11:43:00.019-05:00

If I had to pick a favorite food that definitely wells up worship inside me, it would be a hard choice between Ruffles & Hidden Valley ranch dip, spicy fried chicken, bacon, and strawberries. Most of my friends might be surprised to find that good strawberries probably top my favorites list above bacon (for which my admiration is well known, hehe). It's just that bacon is pretty consistent whereas some batches of strawberries are good and others are mediocre at best.

Anyway, I am always interested in recipes for pretty much homemade strawberry anything! I recently came across a simple recipe for strawberry ice cream that does not require an ice cream maker and thought I would share it with you. I found the recipe here and have made measurement conversions and ingredient adjustments to be able to make this recipe in the U.S. My trial run led to delicious tasting ice cream, but I did find it to have a bit of an icy/grainy texture. Let me know if you end up with a creamier consistency. I may have slacked a little on whisking times as sometimes you just have to make allowances for spontaneous steakburgers and games of 42!

INGREDIENTS:

1 1/3 1lb containers of good strawberries
2/3 cup of extra fine granulated sugar (can be found in grocery stores or you can be cheap like me and try to make your own with a food processor or clean coffee bean grinder)
2 tsp lemon juice
10oz heavy whipping cream
1/3 cu + 1Tbs + 1tsp milk

INSTRUCTIONS:

Wash, de-stem, and core (if necessary) strawberries. I also halved or quartered them for easier processing (since I don't own a food processor).
Set aside about a dozen strawberries, and put the rest in a food processor (or blender) with the sugar and lemon juice. Process (or blend) until smooth, and transfer to a bowl.
Put the dozen strawberries into the food processor until mangled. I used my little electric chopper for this job. Add mangled strawberries to the bowl of liquidy, strawberry goodness.
Put the cream into the processor until it is thickened but not stiff.
Pour the cream and milk in with the strawberries and mix thoroughly with a whisk.
Place the bowl in the freezer. Remove from the freezer and whisk every hour for at least four times total.
After the last whisk, transfer to a tub with a lid and freeze until solid.
Eat and enjoy!

Domestic Bliss

2010-04-08T10:00:00.005-05:00

Growing up, it seems we never appreciate the opportunities we're given until we're older. Now, I find I really enjoy domestic arts. Sorry, mom, for refusing your cooking lessons for so many years. Also, with grandparents and aunts and uncles in other states, there was no one to teach me the arts of crochet or sewing.

I love all these domestic arts, because they are such wonderful tools God has given us with which to reflect the light of love from its Source. I enjoy cooking/baking, because I love caring for my family in this way and hosting and feeding others. It is a reflection of God's provision for us and His richness. He doesn't just give us food to sustain us and keep us alive, but He gives us flavors and tastebuds, noses and scents, eyes and colors to behold to enjoy. I love crochet, because I can give something homemade, time/thought/effort-rich, and prayed over with love to encourage another. Every other crochet project I work on is a small blanket for our church's miscarriage and infertility ministry; the hope is that it will be a small tangible reminder of God's compassionate character. I (once I really get started, am sure that I will) love sewing, because it will help me serve my household and help and encourage others. I look forward to reflecting how God made me in sewing projects and perhaps giving others sewn gifts one day as a reminder that the recipient is loved.

So as I am just starting to really grow in these domestic arts, I wondered whether I should include my journey in this blog, in a separate blog, or not at all in the internet world. But as I searched the depths of the internet for crochet goodness the other day, I stumbled across a blog that helped me make this decision. The internet has been such a helpful tool in encouraging me in the Lord through growing and equipping me in the areas in which He has given me a passion to glorify Him. So I don't think it would be out of place on this blog of our lives and learnings to share these adventures, recipes, skills, projects, and tips with you.

I know some of you readers have no interest in domestic arts, but I encourage you also to remember, "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him" (Colossians 3:17). Whether your thing is computer programming, reading books and seeking out knowledge, athletics, or sci fi, remember, "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (Ephesians 2:10). God created you with your passions, talents, and giftedness that you may passionately, gratefully, and joyfully glorify Him.

So to kick things off, I will write two posts in one day - this one and a recipe for strawberry goodness. I know strawberries certainly lead me to worship! Enjoy!

Better Late Than Never

2010-03-30T17:57:00.005-05:00

A long time ago, I mentioned that I was reading through Genesis and planned on posting reflections from my reading. Oops! It never happened! Well, I started over reading the Old Testament due to a new Bible in a Year Plan I have been working through and was convicted yesterday evening, by the Spirit through a great friend, that I don't even remember a quarter of what I learned and haven't ever shared it with the hopes of encouragement and edification of others. So I figured better late than never! Here are just a few things that jumped out at me as I read:

Fruit bearing: God didn't just call us to bear fruit; He showed us what it looks like first. He designed it, spoke it into being, brings forth new life from it, and produces from it according to its kind or designation. Then He commands us to do likewise. Fruit carries the seed to bring forth new life; this is what we are called to do spiritually! We carry the seed, but it is He who designates what type of fruit it will be, when it will come to fruition, and how it will come to fruition. We also know that not every seed from fruit that hits the ground bears lasting fruit, but fruit carries and scatters its seed nonetheless. Furthermore, spiritual fruit then is not just about qualities or characteristics that a person would want to attain, but it is about bringing forth life! Joseph was grateful for his suffering, recognized it came from God, was quick to forgive those God used, and He realized his suffering was used to bring life. He knew his role as a fruit bearer!
Blessing: Many people think of blessings as stuff - things we get that we're thankful for. My family is a blessing. My house is a blessing. We wish each other blessings. Some people even wish others a blessed day. There are different types of blessing in the Bible, but I'm just going to discuss this one. A blessing isn't just something graciously given to us that generates thanksgiving; it's actually a call by God and a means to fulfill the call - the ultimate call being to glorify Him. How awesome is that?
Sovereignty & Prayer: Genesis 6:5-7 is tough in regard to this subject. God created man, and as He is omniscient, He knew what sinners we would become. Yet, He was sorry (as in grieved, not apologetic) He had made men and planned to destroy them. Noah actually changed God's mind. Later, Abraham interceded for Lot and Sodom. God's mind is so unfathomable! It's crazy that He could plan to destroy something and yet save that same something at the same time, and that He would use human pleas and prayers to accomplish His purposes.
Questioning: Abraham, named the father of faith, could converse honestly with God about questions and details, but he believed. His questions were asked in faith - in God's promises rather than whatever his desires or passions were. This is encouragement to me that it's okay to talk with God and ask Him questions.
Big Picture: God often promised things to the people in Genesis that would not be fulfilled until many years and much suffering later. But aside from the fact that He was still faithfully fulfilling His promise, He was often accomplishing part of a bigger picture (such as judgment of a nation) while slowly (to us) fulfilling His promises. This was a great reminder that God's work in my life is just one small part of a huge picture. Also, when Abraham didn't trust that the Lord was enough or that the Lord would keep Him safe, he almost brought sin upon others. Our sins and lack of trust do have consequences that may affect others.
Weight of Sin: It is said that Esau 'despised' his birthright, because he gave it up so easily in exchange for immediate fleshly desires (food in this case). Wow! 'Despise' is a strong word! So when we choose the created over the Creator, could it be said that we are essentially in that moment 'despising' Him? It is clear that we are showing a low valuation of Him at the time. How weighty is that? Thank God that He has mercy on us!
Valuable Presence: When the trinity appears to Abraham, he RAN to serve them for the pleasure of the Lord's presence. Why do we serve? Do we truly value the presence of the Lord? What does the presence of the Lord stir in us? How awesome must the Lord's presence be?!

Well, those are just a few things that stuck out to me. I hope they have encouraged and/or edified you! I will do the same for the other books as I complete them (hopefully). It will take me a while for Exodus, Leviticus, and Matthew as I stopped taking notes for a while.

Let The Field Exult, And Everything In It!

2010-03-29T13:42:00.014-05:00

This past weekend, Robbie and I spent a delightful day taking family and friend pictures at an arboretum. We were absolutely blown away by God's incredible beauty and creativity! It is crazy to think that this beauty is just a shadow and nothing in comparison to the beauty of His face (Psalm 27:4), that all of creation "...waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God" (Romans 8:19), and that the way He clothes the fields is nothing compared to the beauty in which He clothes His children - in Christ's righteousness (Isaiah 61)! I thought we would share some of the pictures with you; enjoy!

Psalm 96
1 Oh sing to the Lord a new song; sing to the Lord, all the earth!
2 Sing to the Lord, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day.
3 Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous works among all the peoples!
4 For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; he is to be feared above all gods.
5 For all the gods of the peoples are worthless idols,but the Lord made the heavens.
6 Splendor and majesty are before him;strength and beauty are in his sanctuary.

7 Ascribe to the Lord, O families of the peoples,
ascribe to the Lord glory and strength!
8 Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;
bring an offering, and come into his courts!
9 Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness;
tremble before him, all the earth!

10 Say among the nations, “The Lord reigns!
Yes, the world is established; it shall never be moved;
he will judge the peoples with equity.”

11 Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice;
let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
12 let the field exult, and everything in it!
Then shall all the trees of the forest sing for joy
13 before the Lord, for he comes,
for he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness,
and the peoples in his faithfulness.

*Not that my pics are that spectacular, but they may be copied and used for personal use. However, please do not use them for any advertising and money-making reasons. Thank you.

Thoughts on Supposed Contradiction of Genesis 1 and 2

2010-01-10T23:15:00.006-06:00

One of the awesome blessings of this past year, was having our discipleship resource pastor visit our home group. It was an awesome night where we got to go through questions we had about various passages of scripture. It was not to fill our heads with facts and make things fit our small understanding but to further open our eyes to the character of God and His truths and to be transformed by Him.

We emailed our questions in advance to make good use of our discipleship resource pastor's time and give him an opportunity to prepare. But one question was asked toward the end of the evening that we did not get a chance to look into together very deeply. The question is, knowing that scripture is the inerrant word of God, how do you reconcile Genesis 1 and 2's timelines of the creation of plants, animals, and man? This question is not a vital part of the core theology of Christianity, but God did not create us to turn our heads the other way to questions and pretend that faith is to not think. As our pastor reminds us so often, it is good to think, to question, to wrestle. God sanctifies us through these things. At the end of the day, there will still be mysteries. Not all things are for us to know at present (see 1 Cor. 13:12).

I really enjoyed the time we spent digging into the Word together working through questions, so I decided to work through this one on my own. I am posting my study here in case anyone else has wondered about this or has had someone point these texts out to them as contradicting each other. I figure it's better to share in hopes of building up and encouraging the body than hoarding learnings and risking getting puffed up. Afterall, isn't that what God gave us our personalities, gifts, and abilities for - to glorify Him? Plus, it gives others a chance to review my study and gently point out if there are any flaws. I would love feedback! Please note that the ESV was used for my study as exact wording differs per version, and my study tools were my Bible, Blueletter Bible, and Strong's Concordance. Here goes!

The Issue:

Genesis 1 can seem to convey that vegetation was created on day three, birds on day five, and beasts of land and man on day six.
Genesis 2 can seem to convey that man was created before shrubs, small plants, birds, and beasts of land, inferring that he would have to have been created on or before day three.

Observations from the text (with the help of Blue Letter Bible and Strong's Concordance):

Different Hebrew words are used in Genesis 1 than Genesis 2 in regard to plant life. The word 'vegetation' in Genesis 1 is the Hebrew word 'deshe' which means "tender grass, first sprouts of the earth" which is different than grass ripe for mowing and more mature herbage already in seed. 'Bush' in Genesis 2 is the Hebrew word 'siyach' which means "a shoot (as if uttered or put forth), i.e. (generally) shrubbery;--bush, plant, shrub. So Genesis 2:5 could mean that no plant life that was the result of cultivation by man existed before man was formed, though beginning plant life did already exist.
There is also a distinction in place. Genesis 1 refers to vegetation on the earth 'erets'. I believe this is referring to the earth at large as it is the same word used in Genesis 1:1 where it says that God created the heavens and earth. Genesis 2 specifically states that what does not exist yet are bushes and small plants specifically of the field. The Hebrew word for 'field' is 'sadeh' which is used in the Bible as a cultivated field, home of wild beasts, plain (as opposed to mountain), and land (as opposed to sea). It is possible that this designation of field used in Genesis 2 refers specifically to a cultivated field. I believe this is a possibility due to reading Genesis 2:15 where man is then placed in the garden that God created after man to cultivate it and due to the curse on man and the land found in Genesis 3.
Genesis 1:26 does specify a timeline with the word, 'then'. So God made man in His image after the creation of the birds of the air and beasts of the field.
Genesis 2:19 does not specify an exact timeline; it merely states that at some point God had made every beast of the field and birds of the air. It never says that He created them after man, so I would be careful in making that inference. Being a sequential person, I struggled with the word 'So' at the beginning of the verse, but if you're like me, remember that so is not a time indicator it's an indicator of a causal relationship. Meaning that because God deemed that it was not good for man to be alone, He brought all the beasts and birds that He had created at some point in time. 'So' does not indicate time.
The phrase 'to make' in Genesis 1:26 is from the Hebrew word 'asah' which in its broadest sense and widest application aside from the literal 'to do' or 'to make' can also mean to accomplish, advance, appoint, bestow, etc. Which means it's possible that Genesis 1:26 is not necessarily referring to the creation/formation of man but to the appointing of the image of God in man occurring on that sixth day with man having already been created earlier.

My Conclusions:

I am not God and do not pretend to know His mind fully - I only know what He has revealed to me and to the extent that He has revealed it to me. So I confess that I don't know with certainty whether man was created on day three or six. Also, I am no Hebrew scholar.
It is clear that these passages can easily (and without stretching anything) be reconciled with each other so that there is no conflict between them whether one thinks creation of man occurred on day three or six. That is the important thing - that scripture is indeed inerrant.
I personally lean more toward man being created on day six due to the observations from the text I made above. While 'asah' can mean appointing or accomplishing as well as physically making something, I personally think that the word 'made' is used consistently throughout the first chapter of Genesis in terms of physical creation. Granted the case referring to men is differentiated from the rest, because it is in the present tense as 'make' rather than the past tense 'made', I still believe it is in regard to physical creation. But this is just my personal leaning. As it is not vital to the faith to know, I simply conclude that I lean this way in belief but openly admit that I could be wrong in that; however, even if I am wrong, scripture still holds up as inerrant. :)

Hope you all enjoyed the food for thought. I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback! Please make sure that your comments are not divisive or to stir up trouble but are delivered gently in hope and love. I do filter comments.

Fear and Good

2009-11-29T14:10:00.013-06:00

At the beginning of October, I found myself gripped by fear. As I struggled with it and wrestled through it, I found that many other women I know share the same struggle in the common forms of fear, anxiety, and worry. God has been exceedingly gracious to me and has been delivering me from the oppression of fear. I wanted to share with others via this blog what God has revealed to me on the subject in the hopes that God will use it in His work to set other captives free. Know that fear may well continue to be a life long battle, but hopefully we will all start to see more and more victory against it and against the father of lies.

In better words than my own, my hope for you is this:
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication" (Ephesians 6:10-18, emphasis added).

What God's Word has to say about who/what NOT to fear:
"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evil doers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident" (Psalm 27:1-3).

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell" (Matthew 10:28).

"Now who is here to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness' sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled" (1 Peter 3:13-14).

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love" (1 John 4:18).

What God's Word has to say about Who/What to fear:
"It is the Lord your God you shall fear. Him you shall serve and by his name you shall swear. You shall not go after other gods, the gods of the peoples who are around you - for the Lord your God in your midst is a jealous God - lest the anger of the Lord your God be kindled against you, and he destroy you from off the face of the earth" (Deuteronomy 6:13-15).

"And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the Lord, which I am commanding you today for your good" (Deuteronomy 10:12-13)?

"Now therefore fear the Lord and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness. Put away the gods that your fathers served beyond the river and in Egypt, and serve the lord" (Joshua 24:14).

"Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling" (Psalm 2:11).

"...Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man" (Ecclesiastes 12:13).

My conclusions based on these and many other verses:

These are just a few of the verses I found on the subject, but what surprised me was how many verses there are about Who/What to fear than there are about who/what not to fear. This helped point out a mistake I've been making in combating fear. I so often think about the thing I'm afraid of and pick it apart to tell myself why I shouldn't be afraid of this thing. But all this I do in relation to the thing itself. What I should be thinking upon to combat the fear is Who I should fear. I should focus more on the eternal instead of trying to break down the circumstantial and temporal.
God gives amazing reasons and promises why we should not fear the things we should not fear: He will not leave or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6); He is with us, is our God, will strengthen us, will help us, and will uphold us (Isaiah 41:10); He gave us a spirit of power, love, and self control (2 Timothy 1:7); if we suffer for righteousness' sake, we will be blessed (1 Peter 3:13-14); Christ will be honored in our bodies by life or death (Philippians 1:20); the Lord our God is with us wherever we go (Joshua 1:9).
God gives us reasons why we should fear/hold in awe/revere Him: He is a jealous God and has the power to destroy us off the face of the earth (Deuteronomy 6:13-15) <- This should stir in us a good fear, not a bad fear - that it is His good pleasure to reconcile us to Himself though we sin; His commandments are for our good (Deuteronomy 10:12-13); "The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether" (Psalm 19:9); "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever" (Psalm 111:10)! "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction" (Proverbs 1:7); "The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm" (Proverbs 19:23) <- This does not mean we won't suffer, it just means that we will see how God turns evil to good and can trust that He works for the good of those who love Him.

Based on these conclusions, here's how God has recently led me to combat fear:

I ask myself if there's any action/response to the situation that needs to be done. If there is an action that has to be decided upon, I commit to bringing it before the Lord and leaving it as His feet in exchange for a lighter burden as promised in Matthew 11:29-30, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." If there is no action that has to be decided upon, then I let myself know my worrying does not do any good to spend energy on and that my energy should be redirected. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" (Matthew 6:34).
I ask myself that even if I could change anything, do I know what is good? God sees the whole picture; He knows what is good. As a kid, I thought candy was totally good, but my parents knew that after a certain point or time it ceased to be good. They could see a bigger picture than I could, and though it seemed cruel or unfair to me sometimes, I trust that they were acting for my good. How much more does a perfect Father work toward our good?! So what do I know for sure IS good? Let's ask the Lord. How would He answer? Well He has answered! "And he said to him, 'Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments" (Matthew 19:17).
I remind myself of all the times of trials, suffering, and uncertainty where the Lord proved Himself faithful both to those historically in the Bible and to me personally.
So if worrying does me no good and I already know What/Who is good, what do I do with my energy and resources now? How do I go about focusing on things above instead of myself and circumstances? That's when I remind myself of the commands in Deuteronomy 10:12-13, Joshua 24:14, and Ecclesiastes 12:13 above. Through them, the Lord directs my steps. It takes enough work and energy and resources to submit to God in those verses that there should be no room left for fear. And more than that even, time spent in this eternal manner tends to stir up genuine love. And perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18)!
Whatever feelings of anxiety, worry, or fear that remain, I confess them and ask God to fight them. I recognize that in the end, only He can turn my heart. So I wait on the Lord. "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord" (Psalm 27:14).
Finally, I memorize either exact or generally some of these verses above so I can use them for battle.

This is what God has been teaching me of late. May my journey encourage you in yours!

Additional Resources:
http://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionaries/bakers-evangelical-dictionary/fear.html

Stirrings

2009-11-05T18:17:00.006-06:00

Over the past couple of weeks, the Lord has been stirring up something big in my heart. I'm sure it's been in the works for a long time, but I am only now able to see it. I have so much to post and so little time. I have such a hunger for the things of God. I so desperately long to know Him intimately and deeply - to abide in Him and His will (John 15:4). I long to understand Him - to know Him as my Husband (Hosea 2:16), my Father (James 1:17), my Savior (Isaiah 43:11), my Friend (Psalm 25:14) to the deepest degree. I want to know His commands and to walk in them (2 John 1:6). And all of this is such a precious gift. It's only by the grace of God that I have faith (Ephesians 2:8). I am so simple in mind and so sinful in heart, and yet He chose me before the foundations of the world (Ephesians 1:3-10). I am moved.

Recently, I have been loving on my precious goddaughter, wrestling with my selfish desire for a child of my own womb for no greater kingdom purpose than my delight, and reading about/getting my heart stirred for the orphans of this world with whom I have common bond. God has been opening my eyes to the richness of how He loves me as His own child - adopted into His family (Ephesians 1:5-6). I long for His holy desires to consume me - for Him to go before me and lead me into the wilderness where I shall know Him (Hosea 2 <- My fave passage of the Bible). I so long for His desires to become my desires. Jesus, make me like you (1 John 3:2 <- look this one up - it's AWESOME)!

Other than loving and being loved by my husband, I don't know that there's anything that stirs my heart for the Lord more than His Word/promises/hope combined into beautiful music. This song in particular resonates in my heart. So I leave you with it in hopes that God frees you a little more through it to joyfully surrender to His might and care (John 8:36):

Own Me - Ginny Owens

Got a stack of books,
So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Chorus:
Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed

Chorus

Tribulation

2009-09-11T09:44:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling weighty and sad at the brokenness of the world today - The anniversary of 9/11, my and others' babies who never got a chance to live outside of the womb, a baby boy from our church in excruciating pain whose parents have been told he probably won't make it out of the hospital this time and must make hard decisions while their baby tells them he wants to keep fighting for his life, a family member's pregnant friend whose cancer is spreading who desperately hopes to grow her child to a healthy point so it can live though she will die...

God it hurts. Come quickly, Lord.

2 Corinthians 7-18
⁷But we have this treasure in^T)">(T) jars of clay,^U)">(U) to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. ⁸We are^V)">(V) afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; ⁹persecuted, but^W)">(W) not forsaken;^X)">(X) struck down, but not destroyed; ¹⁰^Y)">(Y) always carrying in the body the death of Jesus,^Z)">(Z) so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. ¹¹For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. ¹²So^AA)">(AA) death is at work in us, but life in you.

¹³Since we have^AB)">(AB) the same spirit of faith according to what has been written,^AC)">(AC) "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, ¹⁴knowing that^AD)">(AD) he who raised the Lord Jesus^AE)">(AE) will raise us also with Jesus and^AF)">(AF) bring us with you into his presence. ¹⁵For^AG)">(AG) it is all for your sake, so that as^AH)">(AH) grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving,^AI)">(AI) to the glory of God.

¹⁶So we do not lose heart.^AJ)">(AJ) Though our outer self^c]">[c] is wasting away,^AK)">(AK) our inner self^AL)">(AL) is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For^AM)">(AM) this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, ¹⁸^AN)">(AN) as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Of Cody and Kasey and Pikachu

2009-08-27T21:24:00.006-05:00

My wife likes this poem that I posted in my RSVP to Cody and Kasey's wedding. I thought I would post it here for all to "enjoy." <=== My wife made me say that.

So, without further ado:

Orange and red and purple too
Cody and Kasey and Pikachu
Hot dogs, small dogs, and red dogs blue
Music, choose it, or sing on cue
Random poetics with kangaroo
Party hardy until dawn’s first dew
Happy wedding with corde en bleu!

Prophecy

2009-08-13T11:59:00.004-05:00

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream so real that I actually woke up full of leftover emotions. I was so confused as to what was dream and what was reality that I had to ask Robbie a billion questions first thing in the morning to figure it out. It makes me laugh now that it seemed so real considering Joey Tribiani from Friends was in my dream. You know your husband has been watching too much Friends when...

Anyway, the dream was that I just found out I was going to have to have surgery. I was really confused, because I couldn't understand what exactly was wrong with me and no one seemed able to give me a satisfactory answer. All I could gather was that first thing the next morning they were just going to cut my chest open and either perform surgery on my heart or lungs, depending on what they saw when they opened me up. My dream was mostly me trying to understand what was happening, me talking with a friend (Joey, haha) and Robbie about it, and all the emotions that came with the news. I felt extremely anxious and scared - terrified really!

Upon waking up and Robbie reassuring me it was just a dream and that I wasn't really slated to go into surgery this morning, I calmed down and started getting ready for the day. As I showered, I started thinking about how crazy a dream it was and wondered for a second if it were just a dream or if it had some meaning/significance. So I started to think about what it could mean if it were to mean something, and an answer/question came to me immediately. What if it was God explaining to me that He is exposing my heart and what I really depend on for life (symbolized by my lungs/air) and that He's about to do some work there, that I may not be able to understand what's happening, and that it will be scary and difficult? So it struck me as interesting that meaning could be pulled from the dream so quickly. Was this prophecy, or was it just a dream?

I have always struggled with whether things are from God or if I make things up that just sound good to me in my head. When B had her pregnancy scare, I remember laying prostrate on the floor in tears begging God for K's life. At that point we didn't know that K would be a girl, but as I prayed, I kept saying, "she," and "her." But I didn't trust in that. When B was going to share the video to tell us boy or girl she said we'd see it. So I thought logically that it was a boy even though my heart cried girl. So often when I'm not sure whether or not something is prophecy, I choose logic over faith.

Other times, I have tried to encourage friends and gotten everything all wrong. I guess I didn't really understand where they were coming from and thought I did or stuff like that. Then when reading Scripture or praying, I felt God lay something on my heart to share with them - even if it seemed out of place or made no sense to me. And the times that I have actually stepped out in faith and shared those things, it's been fruitful in ways I certainly didn't see coming. God used it to speak something that was applicable and meaningful to the recipient. And even if I didn't see fruit, there have been times where I've still felt like there was unseen purpose in it.

I don't think I really have much of the gift of prophecy, but I'm starting to think that God definitely gives me prophetic moments. Since I pretty much stink at discerning whether or not they really are, I have come to believe through much prayer and thought over a long period of time that I should trust in them and act in faith unless I get some leading not to trust those moments. I think I should step forward in cautious faith and test as I go instead of just doubting and dismissing those moments. How many times have I heard from God and ignored Him, completely missing out on the joy and fellowship of faith and obedience?

So I guess then, if my dream is prophecy, this will continue to be quite an interesting season of my life - difficult, humbling, and deeply painful. But I have the hope that it will be fruitful - that it will teach me purity in my affections for God and dependence on my Surgeon/Healer for life as He breaks me then restores me to health. True, I am walking through the most difficult season of my life right now. But I have never loved Him more. And so I say, "Praise God!" and "Bring on the surgery!"

God IS good!

2009-08-06T21:49:00.003-05:00

Tonight I went out to dinner with the Hopeful Hearts ministry from church. Actually, only one of the leaders was able to come, so it was just the two of us. I just recently lost my second baby and have come to accept that this could be just the beginning of a very long road. She is currently pregnant with a baby girl after giving birth to two healthy boys, losing one perfectly formed boy who was born with his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, and miscarrying eight other babies.

I hope and pray that that is not my lot, but I will gladly accept it if it grows my relationship with the Lord the way it has with her. Wow! There is a woman who knows God's truths, because it was all she had to cling to. There is a woman who has a rich and compassionate heart for God's children and those she hopes will be God's children. There is a woman who can tell you without any hesitation that God is good ALWAYS.

We both know deep grief. But I'll tell you what! Tonight we did not dwell on grief. We could not stop talking about the goodness of God - His grace, mercy, provision, compassion, splendor! It was really a celebration of His character, His promises, His most precious gift of His Son, and who He is! I left dinner with my heart overflowing in praises to God. He IS good - today, tomorrow, and always! No circumstance will ever change that!

A Song on My Heart of Late...

2009-06-22T09:35:00.000-05:00

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty

1. Praise to the Lord,
The Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him,
For He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear,
Now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

2. Praise to the Lord,
Who over all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings,
Yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen
How all your longings have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

3. Praise to the Lord,
Who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness
And mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew
What the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

4. Praise to the Lord,
O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath,
Come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen
Sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him.

Words:	Joachim Neander
Music:	17th Century German Tune

Forgetting That You Are Famous - repost from Stuff Christians Like

2009-05-06T13:59:00.002-05:00

A copy and paste from the blog Stuff Christians Like:

#537. Forgetting that you are famous.
The only time I've ever been recognized was not as weird as I thought it would be. I guess in my head I envisioned my family and I would be walking in the mall and some stranger would exclaim, “Jon Acuff? The Jon Acuff? Wow, it is you!” Then I would blush and maybe shield my kids behind me with my arm because this person’s adoration would be so intense. They’d say, “Oh, please, say something that is both sarcastic and insightful at the same time. You’re so wise and adequately heighted.” I’d correct them on the use of the word “heighted” which is actually not a word, and then I’d say two or three off-the-cuff sentences that would change their life and then maybe sign their arm or a Bible if it were available. Seems like a pretty reasonable expectation, right?

It didn’t happen like that. A guy just walked up to me at church and introduced himself. We talked for a few minutes about Stuff Christians Like. The whole thing was over before I knew it and was pretty uneventful. Which is probably exactly how God wanted it.

I tend to get ego drunk pretty quickly. When people compliment me, outwardly I do the Christian courtesy of immediately rejecting the kind words. Inwardly though, I’m often drinking in their kindness and doing a little “look how awesome I am” dance. I’m patting myself on the back with both arms and both legs at the same time, which is difficult but not impossible since I’ve taken yoga twice. (Which may or may not be “of the devil”–jury’s still out on that one.)

Knowing that about myself, knowing I’m prone to massive “me parades,” I am constantly wrestling with God over the unexpected growth of Stuff Christians Like. There’s a circle of famous Christians right now: big pastors, authors who have written amazing books, speakers who stalk conference stages like cougars. And I wanted to be inside it. I wanted to become a famous Christian.

One night while jogging, I confessed that to God. As ugly and as shallow as this sounds, I said to Him, “God, I want my story to give me fame. I want fame. I want to be famous.”

In a split second, I felt like God laughed. Not at me, but with me, which is something I feel like He regularly does. In my heart, I heard:

"Ha! You want fame? The creator of the universe knows your name. The Alpha and Omega knows who you are and what you care about. That’s as famous as you’re ever going to be. Whose acknowledgment of you is going to stand up next to mine?

"At that point, I started laughing too, because He was right. I’m already famous. God knew me in the womb. He knows how many hairs are on my head. He’s my absolutely biggest fan and I’m famous in His eyes. So are you. He’s got a blog about you that is simply astounding. He follows you on Twitter and started a fan group dedicated to you on Facebook. He can’t stop talking about you and pouring out love on you.

Is whatever you’re doing right now in life going to make you famous? Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. But ultimately it doesn’t matter. As Christians, we’ve already peaked. We can stop worrying about trying to become famous Christians. That’s done.

Almost Everything But the Kitchen Sink

2009-04-27T09:56:00.004-05:00

Robbie and I worked on painting the kitchen from 10am yesterday morning until 3:30am this morning in order to get everything read for the cabinet installation. We had the music on random, blaring all day. We heard everything from classical music to screamers to rap to Veggie Tales songs. He rolled the walls, and I edged with the paintbrush.

This house has been a lot of work, but the process has truly been a blessing. It's surprisingly not often that a husband and a wife take on a big project together as a team. It's different than just living together, because different work styles kick in. We've really had a lot of fun growing together as a team.

As I watched my husband, in paint overalls, wail on the air guitar, I realized we couldn't have kicked things off more appropriately than at our first dance as husband and wife... We get to spend a life time Making Memories of Us.

Next step: counter tops

Our team effort yesterday was a success! Our cabinets are being installed as I type. When we eventually find our mini USB to connect the camera to the computer, we'll post pictures.

An Honest Update

2009-02-18T00:29:00.003-06:00

I am not the best at updating this blog, so I figured I'd post some updated facts and then a status update in case I left any of you few readers hanging.

Updated facts:

December 20th: Robbie and I went to look at houses.
December 22nd: We put an offer on a house we liked, and it got accepted.
December 23rd: We discovered I was pregnant.
January 12th: We were told my pregnancy was a possible miscarriage and that we'd have to wait two weeks (of horrible emotional torture) to find out for sure.
January 16th: Robbie and I closed on our first house and became official homeowners.
January 26th: We found out I was indeed miscarrying our first child.
March 7th: We will officially move into the new house.

It was quite an exciting end to one year and a difficult start to another. If you didn't already know that information, that may help you make sense of my previous few posts.

Quick and General Status Update:

I am still processing lots of stuff. Processing has already been very fruitful spiritually, but there's so much more to be done. I will post the things I am learning in a separate blog post later.
I am starting to feel like myself again (as of about a week ago). I am currently thankful for where I am right now. If God chooses to grant Robbie and I kids in the future, we will never have this exact stage of our lives again. I don't want to waste it! I'm thankful for the extra time alone with the hubby and for the extra time to use flexibly without it being mandated by a small person.
I do still hope, beg, and pray that one day God will bless me with the ability to bear children. But God in His mercy has granted me a general state of patience and peace right now which I can promise you could only come from Him.
I still have some rough and discouraging days, but the quantity of those is growing smaller.

That's the quick update. Thank you to all those who have been praying for me and ministering to me. I never needed it more.

Wrestling Over Comfort

2009-02-03T09:36:00.008-06:00

Well, the flood gates opened Sunday evening and did not have any success at shutting again or even reducing flow until Monday morning. It felt good to feel, but as I also was so fortunate as to have received the flu from my generous co-workers, I also grew really weary that night of hurting both emotionally and physically. I am feeling much better all around today.

So, the reason why I am posting is because Robbie and I had some good dialogue the other night, and I was wondering what others' thoughts are. He essentially proposed that it doesn't always pan out like Natalie Grant's song Held - that just because I didn't feel "held" doesn't necessarily mean that I did something wrong to prevent me from being held. I thought that I didn't feel held before because I hadn't been able to cry and feel deeply for a couple of days so I must not be letting myself be held. But when I did cry and feel very deeply this past weekend, I still didn't feel held. I've felt like I have not struggled in faith (praise God for that) or doubted for one second that God's giving and taking away is for His glory and ultimately my good. But I wondered if there was something wrong with me for having that faith but still not feeling comforted/held by God.

Robbie believes that sometimes we don't really get held in that sense anyway. He read to me several Psalms and part of Job where people were talking about how they received no comfort from the Lord even though they sought it heartily. They still trusted Him, but they received no relief from their situation (which I asked to receive but did not expect or want to receive it should it not be the best for His glory) and no comfort (which I did expect to receive).

Here is one of the Psalms we read:

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

- Psalm 77: a Psalm of Asaph

Robbie also pointed out that when Paul asked the Lord that the thorn be taken from him, the Lord just responded that His grace is sufficient. I don't know that Paul felt any comfort in that (don't know that I would have), but the Lord's grace was indeed sufficient to sustain Him in continuing the work to which He was called. I kept thinking of David and how he often pleaded for God's presence which meant there were times when He was unable to feel it even when seeking it. So then, could God withhold the Comforter and the detection of His presence and maybe what we do have, which is our faith/His grace (a gift), is sufficient enough to keep us walking, though wounded and without comfort?

This may reshape how I minister to others in the future and how I pray for others. I always assumed if comfort was sought for someone, it would be had. I never considered that perhaps God could withhold comfort for a time and His grace would be sufficient and not inclusive of a feeling of comfort.

Struggling to be Held

2009-01-29T12:31:00.007-06:00

HELD sung by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held[Repeat Chorus]
This is what it means to be held

I've been held by the Savior before (see two posts down: Standing on the Edge), and it was a sweet time in my life that changed the course of it forever. But this time, I find myself running or refusing to be held. Religious culture so pushes one to "just trust." This is so engrained in me that I think the reason why I am mostly numb and short on tears right now is because I feel like I should "just trust" and be okay because "God's got this". So I've been steeling myself and trying to force myself to okay, because people who trust are always okay, right? Plus, it makes other people feel better if you look/act like you're okay. So shouldn't we push ourselves to be okay as soon as possible?

But I know Scripturally that is inaccurate. Jesus wept for Lazarus. The Bible speaks of mourning but mourning as one with hope. So it is not wrong to mourn. Right now, this song is about the only thing that can elicit tears out of me. And if I'm being honest, it's because I can deeply associate with lyrics like: appalling, why, unfair, torn. And just maybe sometimes, I feel like I don't really want to survive. There's not just a feeling of loss, but there are also feelings of betrayal and shame. I know that those are attacks and that suffering brings us fellowship with Christ. I also know this could have been God's protection that this happened. But can a child of God know truth and still feel these things at the same time? I don't want to be numb anymore - I'm afraid my heart will harden and that I will lose all concept of what it is to feel and hope... But I'm also afraid of losing myself to what I feel, falling into ungodly despair, and growing a root of bitterness. So as much as I long for it, I can't seem to just let myself be held.

...wrestling.

Note: For anyone interested, I heard one of Natalie's fan's wrote this song and asked Natalie to sing it. The lady wrote the song about her friends. One friend's husband was diagnosed with some terminal illness and only had 2 months to live, and the other friend had an 8 month old son (her only son) who died in his sleep.

My Life in Verse 10.16.08

2008-10-16T12:41:00.003-05:00

For this place and this time of my life, here is my life in verse(s):

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity," (1 Timothy 4:12).

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus," (Philippians 3:14).

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life," (Proverbs 4:23).

"For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the LORD," (Proverbs 8:35).

"May I continue to find favor in your eyes, my lord," she said. "You have given me comfort and have spoken kindly to your servant—though I do not have the standing of one of your servant girls," (Ruth 2:13).

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord," (Psalm 27:14).

"May your unfailing love come to me, O LORD, your salvation according to your promise; then I will answer the one who taunts me, for I trust in your word," (Psalm 119:41-42).

Psalm 145... all of it, especially 14-20

Standing on the Edge

2008-10-03T00:25:00.003-05:00

It's 12:27 on a Friday morning, and I find myself standing on the edge again. Around this time 3 years ago I was in this same place, yet a different place (like they say in Thailand, "Same. Same... but different!" Switchfoot's song "On Fire" really stirred in me then, primarily the line, "I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before." Boy was I ever! At that time a major relationship in my life ended, I was making a career choice, I failed to obtain my #2 goal in college, I bought a journal, and I was learning what it was like to surrender to a deeply personal and worshipful relationship with the Lord because I had nowhere else to turn. My entire life broke apart, and I found that when it was going to be reconstructed it would be very different AND that it was all done for God's glory and my joy.

Now that it's been 3 years, I can look back and see what came after that edge. I can now see what it was I had never been before that point. I had never been a hostess (I had hosted a couple of times but that's very different from actually being a hostess). I had never been someone with the courage to share the gospel. I had never been someone who felt a deep sisterly love for other women, especially those who are hurting. I had never before read Jane Austen's writing. I had never truly understood grace. I never had a stamp in my passport. I had never really been okay with just being me and not caring if people like that me or not. I had never sung praises to God in a foreign language. I had never paved a road. I had never laughed so hard I cried (...Funny story about the first time I laughed so hard I cried. Ask me if you want to know). I had never sung into a microphone in front of people. I had never cried when I prayed because I was moved so deeply. I had never experienced the awesomeness of Giordano's pizza. I had never heard the all but audible voice of God speaking softly to me. I had never played 42. I had never been a wife.

All these beautiful things I have gotten to experience since God carried me from the edge right to the middle of everything I'd never been before. Now I feel as though I'm on the edge again; there's no turning back. I'm both eager and anxious. Someone I am good friends with is having a baby, due next week (I've never had a close friend be pregnant before)! Robbie and I are headed on week-long vacation to a fun city we've never been to before. My job description is about to completely change to I don't know what as soon as I get back from vacation. God is prying old things I don't want to let go of out of my hands and pressing me onward. I have just learned to crochet and found that I love it. I am pondering baking my first from scratch cake upon my return from vacation. Robbie and I feel called to be homeowners in the near future, and there may possibly be a little bit of talk about pursuing parenthood in the not too distant future as well.

So my point is, praise God for the edges in our lives. Here's to everything I've never been before. Bring it on!

Genesis

2008-08-10T20:55:00.004-05:00

-genesis, from Greek "γεννισις", origin, creation, generation, is a suffix that denotes creation. Related to genos, meaning "race, birth, descent" and genus which shows a relation from the same origin.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/-genesis

Genesis are an English rock band formed in 1967. With approximately 150 million albums sold worldwide, Genesis are among the top 30 highest-selling recording artists of all time.. atlanticrecords.com. Retrieved on 15 March, 2007. In 1988 the band won a Grammy Award for Best Concept Music Video. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genesis (band)

In case you are wondering about the definitions above, I posted the first one because I have recently started reading through Genesis in the Bible. I posted the second one just because it is fun fact - while Peter Gabriel may scare me a little, I must confess that I dig Phil Collins.

Anyway, I have read Genesis before, but I wanted to read it in a different light this time. In the past, I've had a tendency to read the Old Testament for knowledge rather than wisdom, for information rather than insight. This time, I want to read through the Old Testament to see how it points to and reveals Christ and the gospel. Saint Ambrose, who was bishop of Milan, once said, "As in paradise, God walks in the Holy Scriptures seeking man." I look forward to meeting with God there.

In an effort to process what God is revealing to me through His Word both big scale and small scale, I will probably be blogging about some of it. I am no Bible scholar, so this will be less of a theological discussion and more of a sharing of application of the truth to my life. Please excuse the ridiculous number of prepositions in that last sentence and have a lovely evening.

Song and Pictures

2008-05-05T09:25:00.010-05:00

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You
Have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity"
- Hosanna by Christy Nockels

Phi Phi Island, Thailand after the tsunami - This island received no aid from unicef or red cross due to gov't issues.

Let that be the cry of my heart, God!

"You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You Are

Bridge:
For there is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Chorus 1:
Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done here" - God of This City by Chris Tomlin

The two Thai girls on each side of me were impacted by the gospel - one through a tract & the other through a street evangelist.

This particular song gets me doubly, because not only do I have hope for DFW but I heard this song was originally written for Thailand... and for those of you who know me, you know I love those people in that place. I pray God will be gracious and send me back for a visit one day.

God, thank You for creating me just the way I am with a desire to fix everything. Thank You for showing me Your glory (John 3:30) and Your grace in the fact that I can't fix everything. Lord, thank You for reminding me daily of Your compassion for people (Matthew 9:36). Thank you that Your Word does not return empty (Isaiah 55:11). Thank You that when I wonder how to take on and minister in all the areas and to all the people You've called me to that I can have joy and peace in knowing that You carry the the yoke and offer me freedom to follow after You. Your mercies really are new every morning. There really is no other God like You - the God of compassion, grace, and love.

Random knowledge from my old job at a ministry:
Did you know that one international tract can pass through 12 hands! Imagine sending 1,000 tracts overseas. 12,000 people could be exposed to the gospel message! Want to take part in sending some overseas or need any for an upcoming mission trip? Let me know!

YOU

2008-04-23T22:00:00.005-05:00

Robbie and I can't even begin to express how grateful we are that God has blessed us with the friendship of each and every member of YOU home group. Tonight was such a sweet time. Thank you. We have shared so many laughs and shed many tears together as well and hope that God will allow us to continue to do so for many years to come.

We cherish every awkward turtle moment, every pointing and loud use of the word, "YOU!", every low to high or high-low-high sandwich rule enforcement, every time liquids almost erupt from mouths and noses, every word of encouragement, every exaggerated word of teasing in love, every hilarious random tangent, every time we have literally rolled on the floor laughing or witnessed others do it, every victory we watch you gain in Christ, every time we watch you love and encourage one another, and every time you lift one another in prayer. We love each and every one of you. We have such high hopes and dreams for you and are so thankful that God has allowed us to share this time in our lives together. May God continue to grow us all together in unity.

Thank you for sharpening us, challenging us to become who God intends us to be, and loving us unconditionally. I just keep thinking of these words in Esther, "For such a time as this." We were each individually placed by God in this group together for such a time as this. Praise to Him who knew we would need each other right here right now in this moment. He has truly been good to us - faithful, loving, and kind beyond all comprehension.

We can't wait to see how God continues to use each one of you in each others lives, in our lives, in your families, in our community. We love you and praise God for you again and again.

Thank you, Jesus! Thank you that because of Your humble submission unto your death on the cross and Your victorious resurrection from the dead we may be partakers of Your grace and bestow it in Your name unto others.

One Flesh and One Blog

2008-04-15T21:06:00.003-05:00

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh and share one blog." - a modern version of Genesis 2:24... just kiddin' ;)

It's highly likely that I, Lola, will be the primary and possibly only contributor to this blog, but I thought it might be nice to post "Butlers the Lesser" (as some call us) updates for the fam, friends, and stalkers who desire to know what sorts of shennanigans we're up to these days. Please feel free to read, laugh, cry, and/or comment. Well, good night and happy tax day.